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Our last blog entry "Capella University and Toilet Cleaners" has proven to be such a popular post that we're pleased to provide a sound clip of Antonio Villaraigosa shouting what could be Capella's next fight song, "We Clean Your Toilets!" Shawn had better get out his pompoms!
Click here to listen to "We clean your toilets!" (.mp3 file)
We think we’ve found another candidate for Capella’s propaganda blitz – bigot Antonio Villaraigosa, Mayor de la Ciudad de Los Angeles! That’s right – the major of Los Angeles would be a great candidate – he’s inarticulate, never did pass the bar exam (he tried four times), and would clearly fit in with the bigots at Capella University who discriminate against those with disabilities (we’ll soon be posting a little “surprise” regarding a complaint that alleged racist practices at Capella)! Perhaps Capella University could provide him with a blog, entitled “Macho Man Gives Up Life to Clean Your Toilet!”
For those that don’t know, a protest is currently being waged against Villaraigosa for his bigoted comments at a rally in support of illegal aliens; specifically, he told real Americans that “We clean your toilets!” (We’ve been quite disturbed that Capella hasn’t displayed any of their banners or logos alongside all of the beautiful Mexican flags at these events – just think what a great PR stunt that could have been!)
Thanks to the inspiration provided by Villaraigosa, we’ve decided to try our own hand at the creation of a blog entry that would be worthy of promotion by Capella’s propaganda machine. Of course, the following is an entirely fictional account, but it does sound great, does it not? So, for your reading pressure (sic):
Once upon a time. . .little Paco, the son of a poor destitute mother, Maria Garcia, was born in the subtropical paradise of the barrios of Tijuana, Mexico. He never knew his father as his mother only met him once – about nine months before little Paco was born (isn’t this a great story?!).
Maria lived with her family in a rugged cardboard shack that lacked running water: the streets were little more than open sewers that were infested with every known (and unknown) disease. While living conditions could only be considered as deplorable, Maria would wake up each morning dreaming that she would one day sneak across the border into the land of the free and the home of the brave – after all, that is what all children in her family were expected to do. Sadly, Maria knew that her own parents would never attempt the dangerous journey – her mother had been hit by a truck carrying chickens many years earlier that left her deaf in one ear, required that her nose be amputated, and provided her with a chronic case of radiation sickness (don’t ask). Her father, Raul Garcia, had been mugged by the corrupt Mexican police and left to die in the open sewers of his beloved city. When the Garcia family found him, he was covered with boils caused by the high acid content of the effluent that had washed over him during his final hours. From that moment on, Maria promised her poor, decrepit mother that she would sneak across the border into the United States to obtain a better life for her only son. Of course, her main motivation for doing so was that she had heard about a school that was unlike any other; in fact, it was a fully accredited online university that took online education to the next level. While Maria was only eleven when her son, Paco, was born, she knew that this school, Capella University, would be her redemption and transform her boy into a great macho man (just like his father) – what could possibly be better?
Sadly, Maria had never gone to school herself and even lacked the skills necessary to find a job as a toilet cleaner for spoiled Americans. That; however, didn’t stop her from illegally crossing the border (too many times to count) only to eventually make her way to another city with a toxic river (which reminded her of her own native land) - El Rio de Nuestra Senora la Reyna de Los Angeles de Porciuncula. When she saw the cement walls of this great tributary (covered with graffiti which, even though it was in Spanish, she could not read), Maria knew that she had arrived in the land of opportunity that her son was entitled to. ¡Gloria al Dios!
While Maria didn’t have any possessions, she searched skid row for months seeking information about Capella University – the place where she knew her son belonged. She looked in the garment district, attended rallies for illegal aliens, waived Mexican flags, even visited Olvera Street, but her quest remained an enigma. No matter where she went, she simply could not find an enrollment counselor from Capella University.
Maria was; however, a young women with great determination and persistence. During the years that she and her son had lived on the crime-filled streets of Los Angeles, she had the pleasure of watching Paco grow into a fine young man. After all, she had enrolled him in a school run by Cardinal Roger Mahony and many handsome young pedophiles priests. Paco managed to get through his schooling and was only molested ten or twelve times – not too bad for a young illegal alien. By offering her son to the priests for their extra-curricular activities, the Church eventually offered Maria position as the official toilet cleaner at the Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral (she was only permitted to clean the toilets of real American citizens).
One day, while cleaning an exceptionally vile mess (some nasty American citizen must have had a bad case of diarrhea) she heard a commotion coming through the stained glass window she had just opened to let out the stench – it was a marathon! Maria immediately dropped her toilet brush (even though she was still gagging) and bolted outdoors – she had heard that Capella University sponsored marathons! This was going to be the opportunity she had waited for so many long years (even her knees were scabbed from praying hours each day to la Senora la Reyna de Los Angeles)! Sure enough, there they were, miles upon miles of strong, manly Marines, Navy SEALS, middle-aged single mothers, even Shawn Ambrose - the Army National Guard Hero who had survived the 130 degree climate at Abu Ghraib – all proudly wearing the Capella University logo on their color-coordinated jogging suits. ¡Gloria al Dios!
Maria frantically ran back into the Cathedral to find Paco – she caught him just as he was leaving the confessional and was buttoning his shirt (funny, but she could have sworn she heard Roger in there too) and dragged him out to the street – just in time to see Shawn! ¡Gloria al Dios!
It was during this miraculous event that Maria met an official Capella University enrollment counselor. Sadly, this snake-oil salesman refused to let her enroll Paco (after all, she didn’t have any money), so he suggested that Paco enlist in the Marines – just to make sure he would be tough enough to handle the academic RIGOR required of all Capella Learners. Furthermore, Paco’s service to the United States would also enable him to obtain partial funding from the America government – in recognition of his work on the front lines in Iraq. (Let’s not forget, it would also make a great story to post on a Capella University blog!)
Of course, Paco realized that this was the answer to his mother’s dream (and he loved to see her cry tears of joy). Paco immediately enlisted as the chaplain for the Iraqi School for Orphaned Boys (he had been well trained by his own upbringing) and was awarded a Purple Heart for the injuries he sustained (syphilis?) while on active duty. To ensure that Maria would continue cleaning toilets in order to assist with Paco’s exhorbitant tuition (the portion that was not paid for by American taxpayers), Capella University enlisted their favorite poster-child, Vickie Cook, to save Maria from the dregs of illiteracy. Heck, Vickie Cook could also exploit Maria as an unpaid research subject for her master’s thesis, “Cultural Impact on a Mexican Family Literacy Project.” As as direct result of the years of experience Vickie Cook had received as a Wal-mart shelf stocker, her expert instruction was enough to allow Maria to enroll at Capella too! Of course, Maria was warned that, under no circumstances, would the University ever allow her own poor mother to enroll (after all, she had multiple disabilities). None of that mattered, though - – her son would get the education that would really make him into a MAN (maybe Capella would even give him a blog!)
Maria graduated from Capella University at the same time that Paco received his doctorate: she earned a BA in Spelling (Kurt Linberg was her personal coach) and Paco obtained a Ph.D. in Business. Maria has since returned to the Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral where she continues to clean toilets. Thanks to the efforts of Vickie Cook, Ph.D., she can now read the labels – and can discern between the single-ply and two-ply toilet paper. Maria takes special delight in looking at Vickie Cook’s pictures on the Internet – and reading stories about Vickie’s own mother.
Paco, in order to show gratitude to his mother’s teacher, Vickie Cook, Ph.D., now cleans toilets for Wal-mart where he is proud to earn minimum wage – he looks forward to the day when he might qualify for their great health plan. Paco recently married another illegal alien, Juanita, who came from the tropical paradise of Guatemala. The happy couple are now the proud parents of twins – Chico and Jesus. They eagerly await the day when the boys can follow in their father’s footsteps and attend Capella University. Paco also dreams of the day when he can return to Mexico to visit the Walmart that was built by sleazy American's near Teotihuacan - until then, he is content to wave Mexican flags at rallys and marathons sponsored by his alma mater, Capella University. ¡Viva la Universidad de Capella!
One of Capella University’s latest tactics to lure unsuspecting customers into coughing up tuition is to inundate the Internet with as much propaganda as possible. This has long been noted on this, and other sites, dedicated to providing consumers with alternative views about the money-mongers at Capella. Even a cursory glance at our sister blog, the Capella Watchdog, which collects the constant blasts of vomitus spewed by the PR machine at Capella, reveals just how intrusive their advertisements are.
As if that’s not bad enough, Capella University’s illustrious Rob Rosen who, in a recent “interview” with the iMedia Connection: Connecting the Internet Marking Community (http://www.imediaconnection.com/content/8286.asp ), is identified as the “marketing manager responsible for all online advertising initiatives at Capella University.” For some strange reason nothing spewed by Rosen surprised us. Some of Rosen’s comments included:
Rosen: “We take a very controlled but open approach to consumer-generated content.”
Translation: Capella University is run by control freaks who will do anything to mask the truth in order to make money.
Rosen: “When you are focusing on quality education and have so many great learner stories, it's hard not to be involved in this area. We have a lot of learners that are interested in talking about our school and what their education has done for them.”
Translation: Our bottom line is money. We don’t tell the world that our school is run by bigots and liars who discriminate, harass, and retaliate against those with disabilities. As evidenced by all of the lawsuits that Capella is involved in, the University aggressively attacks students who reveal the truth.
Rosen: “However, from a corporate perspective, we are hesitant to let them run loose without having some control in place from our end.”
Translation: Capella University is so afraid of what students will say, that they try to control everything that the world won't learn the truth about their scam. Of course, Rosen says nothing about the fact that Capella actively censors students inside their own course rooms and also files frivolous lawsuits against students who post facts on the Internet (especially if these posts are not controlled by Capella’s censors) as part of the university's brazen attempt to suppress students from utilizing their First Amendment Rights.
Rosen: “We work with publishers on using our learners as bloggers for ‘online education.’ We have given our learners a way to create blogs. And we are in the process of giving our learners the opportunity to create podcasts.”
Translation: Capella University exploits students (assuming that these people really do attend Capella) to spread their propaganda. Apparently, Rosen also thinks that Capella students are too stupid to create their own blogs and; therefore must rely on Capella to provide (and censor) them. With that in mind, Capella Lawsuits is proud to offer ALL citizens of the entire world (gasp!) with the opportunity to create their own blogs. Even better, these blogs are completely FREE (Capella won’t steal a single penny from you for the privilege) and Capella University advertisements don't appear on them! A few suggestions for your very own Capella-free blog include:
Isn’t that amazing! You can get a FREE blog right now and not have to worry about Capella censoring you!
Of course, with this latest publicity stunt to plaster the Internet with Capella’s drivel, we would like to provide links to some of Capella’s propaganda blogs. In true Capella fashion, these contain rags-to-riches, over-coming impossible odds, gosh golly gee-whiz, proud-to-be-an-American, politically correct, war hero, give me your tired, hungry, and poor stories regarding the miraculous transformations (nose jobs?) simple-folk have experienced by selling their souls to Capella’s bank accounts. (We hope you were singing America the Beautiful while you read that.) So. . .here they are (note their catchy titles):
Kinda makes one want to sing “Macho Man!” Of course, let's also not forget the “homey touch” most of them have:
Oh heck, we’re getting all choked up now – better get back to business. While the above stories are just a few you’ll find on “As Capella Turns,” we want to point out the little blurb at the bottom of each of these blogs:
“Capella University is a sponsor of this Web log and maintains and updates its content. Comments collected from visitors will not be used as part of Capella operations or shared with any third parties.”
Let’s not forget that clicking on the Capella logo at the bottom of these blogs takes you (can you guess?) right to Capella University’s home page!
Need we say more? Not to worry, to quote one of these blogs . . . “to be continued” 